Fri, Sep. 12th, 2014, 11:37 am
nature, red in claw and hoof

"Captain Dalmas, sir?  It's me, Corporal Weimar."

"Of course it's you, Corporal," growled the captain.  "Your stench is unmistakeable and fills me with dread, because you are soon to follow.  Why are you invading my presence this time?"

"Sir, we've captured... one of them."

"Oh, really?  And by 'we', i'm sure that you aren't actually including yourself, as i'm certain you lack the backbone for that sort of dirty work."

"Sir," Weimar whined, "that's not fair—"

"Silence," snapped Dalmas, who turned to look at the corporal for the first time.  "You are a disgrace.  It beggars belief that we are forced to admit into the army those of impure birth such as yourself.  It sickens me to know that i share a uniform with a mongrel like you." He stared down the corporal a few more seconds and said, "Take me to the prisoner."

They left the tent and Weimar led the officer towards the front line, towards a small pass in the hills to the northwest.  The dim light of dusk showed a group of soldiers circling a large creature.

"It's so big."

"First time looking at one, eh, Weimar?  Yes, they're big.  They could crush or fatally kick any one of us if we let them.  But that's why i'm here, to make sure none of us lets them.  And my tactics have succeeded here, obviously, as this group of soldiers has taken down this beast."

As they reached the group, one of the soldiers turned around and saluted.  "Sir!  We have capt—"

"Yes, yes, i'm not blind.  Excellent work, soldier.  All of you!  Hold it down.  I wish to speak to it."

The soldiers scurried around as they obeyed their orders.  Dalmas walked around to its head.  "So here we are, you and i.  You were scouting, no doubt.  What did you learn?  What were you going to tell your monstrous masters about us?"

The creature snorted and rolled its eyes, but said nothing.

"Do not defy me!" barked Dalmas.  "Tell me now!"

"You want me to tell you something?" it screamed.  "Hear this!  The dog days are over!  The dog days are done!  The horses are coming, and you'd better run!"

"Very well," snarled Dalmas, who looked up at his troop.  "Kill it."

The pack yelped and tore the horse apart.

Mon, Sep. 8th, 2014, 10:30 pm
2014: the year in which i stop doing things

This year has been one of big changes in things that i liked doing, mainly because i found that i didn't like doing them anymore (like when i retired from soccer, except without the injuries):

  • Back in February, i skipped going to DunDraCon for the first time.  I just didn't feel like going.  Not sure if i'll go back.
  • I decided not to do fantasy football this year and am not missing it.  Funny how ESPN's fantasy football coverage is now suddenly irritating.
  • I dropped all my comic book subscriptions after getting a notice from the shop that it had been eight months since my last visit.  Pretty clear i had stopped caring, there.
I've now entered my fourth month of unemployment.  I'm currently waiting to hear back from a couple of interviews, and have another one lined up on Wednesday.

One grandson just turned 1.  In a month, my other grandson and my granddaughter turn 3 and 7 8, respectively.  Soon, they'll all be old enough for me to tell them to get off my lawn.

Thu, Aug. 21st, 2014, 02:52 pm
open your orange catholic bible to psalm 69

Soon i discovered that this spice thing was true.  Baron Harkonnen was the devil.  Muad'dib was a Duke previous to his career as a prophet.  All of a sudden, i found myself in love with Arrakis, so there was only one thing that i could do: YA HYA CHOUHADA my YA HYA CHOUHADA HADA.

                — Opening to "Muad'dib Built My `Thopter"

(this is haloumi's fault)

Wed, Jul. 2nd, 2014, 01:12 pm
we're doomed

Two years ago, Paul Verhoeven's "Total Recall" was remade and released.

This year, Paul Verhoeven's "Robocop" was remade and released.

If the trend holds, in two years, we're going to be saddled with a remake of "Showgirls".

(oh wait of course i'm not the first chump to think of this)

Tue, May. 20th, 2014, 11:14 pm
riddle: after he ate all the flatbread, how much was left?

Watching you ignore the bowl of dal
Curries just don't interest you at all
Smears of gravy never stain your face
You ate it all, and barely left a trace

You ain't heard a single word I've said
All i want's a steamy piece of bread
Served fresh from the fiery tandoor
To soak the dregs of my lamb vinda—

Why do you get all the naan in the world?
Why do you get all the naan in the world?

All the oval flatbreads disappear
Lonely, charred flakes all that's left, i fear
Rice can't fill the desperate void i feel
You took it all, you make me want to—

Why do you get all the naan in the world? [x19]
Why do you get all the naan?

Tue, Apr. 15th, 2014, 03:12 pm
more twitturds for the people

I found a trove dated 2010-01-12.  Some are a little dated already ("whuffie", Google Wave, The Boondocks)

the question is not "should i start pimpslapping people at work?" but "how hard should i slap them?" [should i be concerned that this seems to keep happening to me?]
i just realized that The Boondocks' Uncle Ruckus is what Alan Keyes will become in 10 years
fair warning: i've moved from mild-mannered tolerant agnostic to angry scorched-earth atheist. this is just a phase.
"out of ammo"'s just another phrase for "nothing left to loose"
i just attended my first lacrosse game and we were treated to a halftime show of competitive eating. i felt so very white trash.
i seem to spend an inordinate amount of time flipping off inanimate objects
George Carlin famously said of golf on TV "It's like watching flies fuck" but i think these days it's more apposite to MMA 'fights'
2wanda is driving us home from a party and she just had to stop when she saw the "FREE sewing machine" sign
bizarre Mayan triangle: every time I think of you / I get a shock right through the Popul Vuh
is it bad that upon inspecting Google Wave, the first words that popped into my head were "scuttling horror"?
i am banning myself from using "tweet" meaning "twitter update" because I don't want to sound like a complete dipshit [this didn't last long, sadly]
good news: my Dad has a Weblog now. bad news: he can't figure out what its URL is.
any time someone uses "whuffie" like it actually means something in the real world, i want to slap them
when someone tells you something scary and it gets stuck in your head, that's a #fearworm e.g. finding maggots on your pet
"Big Bang Theory" does for geeks & nerds what "Will & Grace" did for gays: turn up stereotypes to 11 and give squares something to laugh at.
"Dali's Mustache Ride" would be an excellent band name.
Until next time... on TWITTURDS!

Thu, Jan. 23rd, 2014, 08:02 pm
i plead the (diminished) fifth

"We have reports of augmented fourths being used in this location."

"Aw, shit, it's the tritone police!"

Mon, Jan. 20th, 2014, 10:17 pm
that's when i reach for my paypal account

album cover to 'Signals, Calls, and Marches' by Mission of BurmaAccording to iTunes, i have as much music from the 1990s as i do from the 2000s, and about 40% of that quantity from the 1980s.  The trend for the 2010s so far approaches the 1980s in quantity, which is a little surprising.  I guess that's just getting old, new music sucks, etc.  The latest CD cull yielded a whopping $16.25 in store credit at Rasputin, which i used to pick up:

    • Mission of Burma - Signals, Calls, and Marches
    • The New Pornographers - Mass Romantic
    • Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth
    • Rush - A Farewell to Kings
I reacquired AFtK 20 years (almost to the day) after i sold it (and other CDs) for bus fare while trying to get my act together in Seattle.  Back then, i was so broke that i only had enough for bus fare, and had to beg a buck off a coworker to get a crappy burger at McDonald's for lunch one day.  I vetted the other three albums by listening to them first on Spotify.  This will really cut into the amount of disappointing albums i've gotten based on one or two tracks, or from listening to short samples.  However, none of the above belong to the 2010s, so there's still work to do, albums to buy, et cetera.

Wed, Dec. 18th, 2013, 02:32 pm
i couldn't fit "herpes zoucester"

Ben Wolfson
If I'd known, I'd never have croucester,
Wouldn't chide, contradict, or accoucester:
The vengeance she brings
Takes down paupers and kings,
The unstoppable Duchess of Gloucester.

I recited a quick Pater Noucester
A vain try for God's favor to foucester
But it fell on deaf ears
My luck was in arrears
I was felled by the Duchess of Gloucester

Mon, Sep. 30th, 2013, 12:39 pm
they're married! they're happy!

rone wearing a bowler, tweed argyll jacket, black shirt, red/black tie with trinity knot, grey kilt, brown socks with vermilion/wine argyle, cordovan shoesAbout 3 months ago, my niece sandollar17 announced her wedding to her fiancé, Garfield, and soon thereafter, both asked me to officiate.  I was tremendously flattered and, although at first a little apprehensive, i accepted.

First off, a quick trip to the Universal Life Church Monastery for a free membership to the Ordination Nation.  I chose to go by 'minister' over 'reverend' due to etymology; 'minister' is "from Latin ministrare “to serve, attend, wait upon”", and 'reverend' is "from Latin reverendus “(he who is) to be respected”."  On their special day, i was there to attend them.  I also considered what i'd wear, and decided that, unless i could secure a formal jacket to wear with one of my kilts, i'd stick with my suit.  I called The Celtic Shoppe just a few days before the wedding and, luckily, they had a tweed Argyll jacket and vest in my size.

Next up was, as you might expect, writing a short speech exalting marriage, which i whipped up with help from the Internet and from 2wanda (who regretfully could not attend, as she needed to be in DC for a work-related conference in which she would be awarded a scholarship):

mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today.Collapse )
Other than a couple of small booboos on my behalf, it went perfectly.  Sandy and Garfield are a couple who genuinely like and love each other, and all of us there witnessed and felt it.  Best wishes to the happy couple!  We love you!

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